Happiness and Love (Not Love and Happiness)
Grasshopper posts ...
I'd like to put a few things together:
- I think if we had the opportunity to ask God the question: "Why am I here?" The answer would be "To Love."
- A friend of mine who I met in Bangkok recently explained to me his philosophy of life over beer which goes something like this: "It is our *responsibility* in life to make ourselves happy. In doing so we make those around us happy and thereby spread love." So according to him, this is not just something that is "nice to do." But it's a responsibility.
- "Option," a philosophy of life taught at the Option Institute in western MA teaches us that we indeed are responsible for our own happiness. According to Option, we make a choice every day that our feet hit the ground: We can be sad or happy. Option makes no negative judgement about the choice to be sad, it simply makes people realize that it is a conscious choice that we make every day.
- Buddhism teaches (as I understand it) that we have a fundamental responsibility to take care of ourselves. It's not selfish, but a realization that only in caring for ourselves, can we then take care of others. This "Precept" also keeps us from getting preoccupied with the business of others.
What do these things put together to mean? When we are faced with difficult decisions in life, decisions which we think will lead us to happiness, it's our responsibility stick our necks out. We can feel all kinds of distracting things such as "I don't deserve this" (undue guilt), or "I may fall flat on my face" (irrational fear). We may fall flat on our faces and in the process learn from our mistakes. However only in taking full responsibility for our lives, and in taking the chance, do we discover the way to our true happiness, and are ultimately able to love others to our full potential.
I am not saying that we act irresponsibly. The choices need to be well thought and not involve unnecessary risk. However, only in becoming the happiest person that we can be, do we afford ourselves the opportunity to love and help others "to the Max." These decisions will involve courage. I always remember what Shakelton said: "Optimism is the True Moral Courage."
Here's the quote that precipitated this thinking:
Weekly Wisdom Message November 21, 2005
CORRELATION:
I noticed
the happier I am,
the more loving
I am.
It was nice
to notice that.
Reprinted from Out-Smarting Your Karma.
Copyright © 1996 by Barry Neil Kaufman.
All Rights Reserved. Published by Epic Century
Publishers.
Request our FREE brochure:
http://www.option.org/i_lit.html.
I'd like to put a few things together:
- I think if we had the opportunity to ask God the question: "Why am I here?" The answer would be "To Love."
- A friend of mine who I met in Bangkok recently explained to me his philosophy of life over beer which goes something like this: "It is our *responsibility* in life to make ourselves happy. In doing so we make those around us happy and thereby spread love." So according to him, this is not just something that is "nice to do." But it's a responsibility.
- "Option," a philosophy of life taught at the Option Institute in western MA teaches us that we indeed are responsible for our own happiness. According to Option, we make a choice every day that our feet hit the ground: We can be sad or happy. Option makes no negative judgement about the choice to be sad, it simply makes people realize that it is a conscious choice that we make every day.
- Buddhism teaches (as I understand it) that we have a fundamental responsibility to take care of ourselves. It's not selfish, but a realization that only in caring for ourselves, can we then take care of others. This "Precept" also keeps us from getting preoccupied with the business of others.
What do these things put together to mean? When we are faced with difficult decisions in life, decisions which we think will lead us to happiness, it's our responsibility stick our necks out. We can feel all kinds of distracting things such as "I don't deserve this" (undue guilt), or "I may fall flat on my face" (irrational fear). We may fall flat on our faces and in the process learn from our mistakes. However only in taking full responsibility for our lives, and in taking the chance, do we discover the way to our true happiness, and are ultimately able to love others to our full potential.
I am not saying that we act irresponsibly. The choices need to be well thought and not involve unnecessary risk. However, only in becoming the happiest person that we can be, do we afford ourselves the opportunity to love and help others "to the Max." These decisions will involve courage. I always remember what Shakelton said: "Optimism is the True Moral Courage."
Here's the quote that precipitated this thinking:
Weekly Wisdom Message November 21, 2005
CORRELATION:
I noticed
the happier I am,
the more loving
I am.
It was nice
to notice that.
Reprinted from Out-Smarting Your Karma.
Copyright © 1996 by Barry Neil Kaufman.
All Rights Reserved. Published by Epic Century
Publishers.
Request our FREE brochure:
http://www.option.org/i_lit.html.
posted by Steven Crisp at 7:38 AM
2 Comments:
Grasshopper,
I like your post, but think you have fallen into a bit of rationalization here.
- I would agree with your first observation regarding God -- To Love is the prime directive (and how are we all doing on that one?)
- I would only partly agree with your Bangkok friend -- we are indeed responsibile for our own happiness (look within, not outside); but be careful how you define this happiness, or I think you could easily end up concluding self-indulgent behavior is "your responsibility", which is precisely the opposite message.
- Agree with the Option Institue. We are responsible for our own happiness.
- Not sure your source for the Buddhism lesson. I would say instead that Buddha taught us that the world contains suffering and sorrw, and no amount of chasing after "outer" thigs like money, belongings, or even experiences or relationships, will alleviate that suffering; indeed it is this attachment (to things and outcomes) that ultimately lead to suffering. In my words, "accept that it is what it is." However, I believe he would also teach that each of us can realize the illusion for what it is, and thereby transcend it. There is also a Boddhisatva vow that essentially says we can offer to take action to help alleviate suffering in those not yet awake to this reality.
As for your conclusion, which I take to be essentially that to be able to love you must first be happy, independent of other considerations, to me it seems doomed to remaining in the illusion. For example, once your happiness becomes tied to feedback from your relationship, you would fall into a vicious cycle. As you've heard me say before, I don't think it "scales". But turned the other way around, as a hypothesis, "the more I offer (unconditional) love, the happier I am likely to become" both rings true to me, as well as "scales". Why? Becuase you are not dependent on "outer" circomstances for your happiness, and correspondingly, your love is not conditional.
It gets back to the notion of gratitude. Whatever your situation and circomstance, there are in fact many things for which to be grateful. And to beauty: No matter the physical surroundings, it is possible to see the beauty of the universe at a moments notice, just by making the choice and having the wisdom to see it. From that standpoint, it is natural (if not easy) to offer unconditional love. With your heart and mind in the right place, that is, where you can be at peace, you will have the ability to offer lovingkindness to all beings, including yourself, and that will surely make you happy.
So in the end, I would avoid the dualistic choise between Love and Happiness, and adopt the behavior that can bring both along at the same time. But when in doubt, I would put (unconditional) Love first.
S-
I offer you peace.
I offer you love.
I offer you friendship.
I see your beauty.
I hear your need.
I feel your feelings.
My wisdom flows from the Highest Source.
I salute that Source in you.
Let us work together for unity and love.
-- Mahatma Gandhi
Note: The five "precepts" in Buddhism do not directly include the one discussed in your post; there are many interpretations of the original Pali language, but I think here is a good summary of what to avoid, and correspondingly, how to behave:
1. Refraining from harming living beings ... practicing loving kindness
2. Refraining from taking the non-given ... practicing generosity
3. Refraining from committing sexual misconduct ... practicing contentment
4. Refraining from false speech ... practicing truthful communication
5. Refraining from intoxicants ... practicing mindfulness.
These precepts take the form of voluntary, personal undertakings. They are not commandments; there is no god in Buddhism, so none to issue any.
On the one hand, the five Buddhist precepts are quite striaghtforward, but on the other hand can be difficult to interpret in our time, place, and culture. When in doubt, I've come to learn the key point is "intention". And for those that are interested, here is Thich Nhat Hanh's interpretation which may be more helpful for our time:
1. Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I vow to cultivate compassion and to learn the ways of protecting the lives of people, animals and plants. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to condone any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, and in my way of life.
2. Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing and oppression, I vow to cultivate loving-kindness and learn ways to work for the well-being of people, animals and plants. I vow to practice generosity by sharing my time, energy, and material resources with those who are in real need. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others. I will respect the property of others, but I will do everything in my power to prevent others from human suffering of other species.
3. Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I vow to cultivate my responsibility and learn ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families and society. I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without love and long-term commitment. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I am determined to respect my commitments and the commitments of others. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to protect families from being broken by sexual misconduct.
4. Aware of suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to the suffering of others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or bring suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully, with words that can inspire self confidence, joy and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain, and not to criticize or condemn things I am not sure of. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I willmake every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, even small.
5. Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I vow to cultivate good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking, and consuming. I vow to ingest only items that preserve peace, well-being and joy in my body, in my consciousness, and in the collective body and consciousness of my family and society. I am determined not to use alcohol or any other intoxicants, or to ingest foods or other items that contain toxins, such as certain T.V. programs, magazines, books, films and conversations. I am aware that to damage my body and my consciousness with these poisons is to betray my ancestors, my pafrents, my society, and future generations. I will work to transform violence, fear, anger, and confusion by practicing a diet for myself and for society. I understand that a proper diet is crucial for self-transformation, and for the transformation of society.
A couple of clarifying comments FWIW.
- You write: "self-indulgent behavior is "your responsibility", which is precisely the opposite message."
Well I would argue that being self indulgent is open to interpretation. I don't want to be overly "Clintonesque" about it, but I think each persons definition of self indulgency varies. For example I was brought up Catholic. For all of the benefiys of that I would say that I would disagree in many areas regarding what qualifies as "Self indulgent " behavior. It's a matter of degree and personal interpretation.
Also while I am thinking about it, the definition varies not only with religion but with culture as a whole. Take Rome or Persia for example. Or take modern day western culture versus modern day eastern culture. So definitionsa for self indulgency are going to vary.
Heck if I wanted to argue self indulgency I could look at 100% of American families and say every one of them with 2 TVs is being self indulgent. So who is going to define it? The answer of course is that there is no empirical definition and it's up to each of us to define it.
- I can't find the reference from Gil Fronsdal regarding happiness because it was on audio. But I do think it is fundamental to Buddhism that people care for themselves first and then better able to care for others. Probably not a precept.
- "As for your conclusion, which I take to be essentially that to be able to love you must first be happy, independent of other considerations." If I led you to belive I meant independent of other considerations, I was wrong. Of course there are millions of things to consider.
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